Welcome to the First Annual Kevin Six (Online) Short Play Festival! These plays were written by Kevin Six, who would very much like you to read them. You may read them to yourself, aloud, alone or with friends. You may also read the stsage directions. You may comment at the end of this page, or not.
I just hope you like the plays and hope to some day see them on a stage. Oh, and please turn off all cell phones and pagers. Thank you.
Shel, Margaret and Carlyle
This play was first produced at the Working Theatre Collective for its Erotic Shorts festival. The pictire at right is a production still of the reading in Seatle, WA.
At rise:
A man, CARLYLE, though you could barely tell his sex, is bound, gagged and almost hanging from his manacled wrists. He wears a leather outfit complete with a black leather hood and a red ball – that looks ominously like a dog toy – stuffed in his mouth. His wife, MARGARET, reads from “Where the Sidewalk Ends.”
MARGARET
“Who can kick a football
From here to Afghanistan?
I can!
Who fought tigers in the street
While all the policemen ran and hid?
I did!
Who will—“
CARLYLE
(Spits out the dog toy) No, Margaret, it’s no good.
MARGARET
(Whines) Carlyle, we’re only on page 63! If you keep stopping me, we’ll never find the pot of gold. And your parents are coming home at nine with the kids.
CARLYLE
Margaret. Use the voice. Please. We discussed this.
MARGARET
OK… (She now speaks very sternly) Stop your insufferable whining, wimp! You will be quiet and do as you’re told or I’ll use the rope.
MARGARET gets a pink jump rope and almost wields it menacingly and CARLYLE is almost scared but MARGARET almost giggles.
CARLYLE
Are you… Are you laughing at me, mistress?
MARGARET (back to her wifely self, giggling) It’s just so—
CARLYLE
What!? Strange? Odd? Stupid?
MARGARET
Silly, Carlyle. I mean your ball gag is the dog’s toy. The whip is Jennifer’s jump rope and Shel Silverstein? In a playroom?
CARLYLE
Dungeon! Margaret, you know how much this means to me. I thought we talked it all out with Dr. Henry. Safe words. Costumes. Suspension of disbelief…
MARGARET
I know darling but I don’t think I’m cut out for it. And you…
CARLYLE
I what? I’m not cut out for a life of slavehood?
MARGARET
You’re PTA president, Carlyle. You’re a pillar of the community. You—
CARLYLE
I’m dying, Margaret! Dying. Right here in the play room with the jump rope and the dog toy stuffed into my mouth. I can’t even get the fantasy right. All I want is—
MARGARET
Sex! I know. I’m sorry that it’s been so—
CARLYLE
Can’t we just—?
MARGARET
No! You can have the dungeon fantasy but not the other one. It was too—
CARLYLE
Fun. It was too fun! You loved being the princess ravaged by the pirate king and you almost—
MARGARET
Well who knew Mrs. Wimpole would call the police. It was—
CARLYLE
Embarrassing, I know but—
MARGARET
No, Carlyle. I won’t come this close to getting caught in a costume again.
CARLYLE
But the basement—
MARGARET
Is the kid’s play room! I mean how can you even think of sex with all these toy cars and Barbies?
CARLYLE
And jump ropes! Please, Margaret.
MARGARET
No, Carlyle. I don’t think it’s going to work.
MARGARET releases CARLYLE from his bonds.
CARLYLE
Oh, it’s so good of you to be so safe and so quaint and have no passion in your life. Why don’t you just admit it! You’re a boring—
MARGARET
No!
CARLYLE
Silly—
MARGARET
No!
CARLYLE
Frumpy!
MARGARET
No!
CARLYLE
HOUSE WIFE!
MARGARET finally breaks. She had found her stern voice again.
MARGARET
How dare you! After all I’ve done for you. You little shit! How can you even say that to me after I gave you two children and cooked and cleaned—
CARLYLE
Use it. Use it!
She takes him over her knee in a kid’s chair and uses the pink jump rope on his leather clad behind. Timidly at first and then stronger.
MARGARET
You deserve worse than this Mister! If it were up to me you’d live down here and never have sex again. You’d have to beg to just see my feet while I made you masturbate. If you were lucky, I’d let you lick up your little mess, you sissy!
CARLYLE
Now. Say it! Say it now, Margaret!
MARGARET, with perfect cadence and rhythm, a rope-slap on every beat of the poetry, and, as the lights fade, recites:
MARGARET
“This started out as a
jumping rope
You prob’ly think that
I’m a dope
But This started out as a
jumping rope
And now I fear there is
no hope
But This started out as a
jumping rope”
End
The Art of Love AFTERNOON (ASIAN GALLERY)
The lights come up on an art gallery (preferably an existing one at the San Diego Museum of Art). Two couples, fortiesh, enter; the two men (BOB and TED) in front and the women (ALICE and CAROL) behind. They browse at the Asian art and comment.
BOB
What does it all mean, Ted? I mean…
TED
It’s Asian Miniature art, Bob. The sultan would hold them in one hand…
BOB
No, not that. Life.
TED
Oh, you’re getting all philosophical again. Geez, why don’t you get a Corvette and a—
BOB
You did it.
TED
I did not.
BOB
You did it. You quit your job…
TED
Got laid off.
BOB
Took up surfing…
TED
I was invisible.
BOB
What do you mean?
TED
All those beautiful sun-baked goddesses and not a one ever said anything to me.
BOB
Getting hot chicks to look at you takes money, Ted. Besides what would we do with them?
TED
Bob, we’d do all kinds of interesting things… We’d…
BOB
Be asleep by nine thirty! Come on we’ve got great wives, they’re—
TED
Highly critical…
BOB
Undersexed…
TED
Spending machines…
BOB
That don’t cook.
CAROL
Ooh, this one’s nice. Alice, look at this one.
ALICE
An Imaginary Gathering of Sages. Carol, I don’t get it. It says Asian art and these guys are clearly Arab.
CAROL
Indian.
ALICE
Indian?
CAROL
Yes. It says these guys are dead Muslim saints.
ALICE
Well of course they’re dead; it’s four hundred years old.
CAROL
No, Alice. They were dead four hundred years before the painting was painted.
ALICE
Imaginary, I get it.
CAROL (quoting) “Made for a member of the royal family who shared their beliefs.”
ALICE
Another thing I don’t get is why are they so small?
CAROL
Oh, they were painted small so the Sultan could hold them in one hand.
ALICE
Not the painting. Them. Their minds.
CAROL
Oh. Yes. We baby them and they resent us for it.
ALICE
Yet they can’t find the butter in the butter compartment.
CAROL
They are juveniles until the kids come and then they’re—
ALICE
Babies.
CAROL
Yes. Then we think we’ve raised them along with the kids and as soon as the last one goes to college—
ALICE
Surf lessons.
CAROL
I know. Don’t you worry about the bronze beach goddesses?
ALICE
He’s invisible.
CAROL
He’s gone insane?
ALICE
No. He’s invisible to young women.
CAROL
I guess that’s good. Mine hasn’t decided.
ALICE
Corvette. Best thing you can do. He gets a few tickets, maybe a close call with the law and it’s out of his system.
CAROL
I thought they get hornier when it hits them.
ALICE
They do, but not for us.
CAROL
But the young ones are just getting ready to go out at nine thirty.
ALICE
So it’s good.
CAROL
I guess.
CAROL and ALICE
Yeah, good.
BOB
Why are we here, Ted?
TED
We are destined to have an impact on the generations who come after us, Bob.
BOB
No, here in the museum.
TED
The Cultural Attaché dug this one up.
BOB
Yours or mine?
TED
You never pay attention. Mine is the cultural attaché yours is the restaurant critic.
BOB
And we’re…
TED
Beasts of burden…
BOB
Bread winners…
TED
Do you ever get to make a decision?
BOB
No. You?
TED
She said that she’d handle all the small ones and I could take the big ones.
BOB
And?
TED
Twenty five years and there hasn’t been a big one yet, I guess.
BOB
Why do we do it?
TED
The Cultural Attaché says we need culture, and we go.
BOB
No, the marriage. Why do we stay in it?
TED
Inertia?
BOB
Fear?
TED
The great sex.
They look at each other for a beat and laugh out loud.
ALICE
Do you think we’ll get kicked out?
CAROL
No there isn’t alcohol involved.
ALICE
Why do we do it?
CAROL
You pick the cultural stuff, call me and—
ALICE
No, the marriage.
CAROL
The ignoring…
ALICE
I ignored him for three whole days and he didn’t even notice.
CAROL
Sort takes all the fun out of a snit.
ALICE
Do you withhold sex?
CAROL
I just until after nine thirty then I wait up for my boyfriend.
ALICE
Conan.
CAROL
You too? I thought you were a Leno man.
ALICE
Barbarian. On Blue Ray DVD.
CAROL
Oh, you are being naughty.
ALICE
I wish.
CAROL
Well, maybe next time we’ll do the sex museum.
ALICE
There is such a thing?
CAROL
You’re the Cultural Attaché, Alice.
ALICE
Sex museum. Maybe it’s just my lingerie drawer.
CAROL
You don’t either?
ALICE
No, I work all day, cook all evening and tell my husband where the beer is all night.
CAROL
We do eat out a lot.
ALICE
And other people bring the beer.
CAROL
We’re wives…
ALICE
I always wanted to be a MILF but it didn’t catch on until the kids were older and I was…
CAROL
Old…
ALICE
Used up…
CAROL
Angry.
BOB
Was there ever love?
TED
Where, here? I think that fat guy loves food…
BOB
That’s Buddah, Ted. He loves everyone.
TED
Like Santa Claus?
BOB
No. Love in your relationship.
TED
Bob, if I wanted to talk about my relationship I’d have stayed home. What’s with you?
BOB
I think I’m missing something.
TED
Sex?
BOB
Yes. But…
TED
Intimacy? The feeling that someone’s on your side?
BOB
We get that from each other.
TED
Intimacy?
BOB
Ted, I’ve told you more sensitive shit than I’d ever tell her.
TED
But it wasn’t always like that was it?
BOB
No, once I had a partner. A play toy, a lover…
TED
What happened?
BOB
I don’t know.
TED
Do you love her?
BOB
Yes. I guess.
ALICE
Yes, I think so. You?
CAROL
I do. I hope I do. Otherwise what else is there to live for?
ALICE and CAROL
Sale at Nine West.
TED
Me too, I guess.
BOB
Let’s tell them.
TED
No. What would they do?
BOB
It would be worth it to find out.
ALICE
Ready to move on?
CAROL
What were you two carrying on about? I know you hate cultural days.
BOB
No we love it and, uh, you.
TED
Yeah, me too.
ALICE
What does it mean?
CAROL
They’re beer deprived, quick to a sports bar.
BOB and TED
I love you.
CAROL ALICE
Really? What?
BOB
Come on, don’t make us say it again.
TED
Do you?
ALICE and CAROL
Uh, sure. Yeah.
CAROL
We just don’t go broadcasting it.
ALICE
Yeah, come on, we’re in public here.
BOB
We get it.
TED
Not enough.
ALICE
Enough of that.
CAROL ALICE
I love you. I love you.
BOB
Sounds odd.
TED
Do you mean it?
ALICE
Sure.
CAROL
Most of the time.
BOB
Yeah, me too.
TED
I guess that’s better than the alternative.
ALICE
What alternative?
CAROL
I don’t think we want to know.
BOB
Do we?
TED
Maybe we don’t.
There is an awkward pause.
ALICE
Well, let’s move on to the European Gallery.
BOB
I want to make more decisions.
TED
I want romantic nights.
ALICE
I want a maid.
CAROL
I want foot massages.
ALL
OK, I’ll think about it.
BOB (exiting) Alright, let’s move on.
TED (exiting)Keep moving. That’s right.
ALICE
How long does it last?
CAROL
Until our hormones give out and we get hot flashes.
ALICE
Oh. Payback.
BLACKOUT
End
Bad Shit
Characters:
ASSHOLE1 He (or she) is this asshole who wants free shit
ASSHOLE2 So’s she (or he)
PLAYWRIGHT He (or she) is an asshole who wants money
Change any “he” or “his” to “she” and “her” if you cast women in any role.
Setting:
An empty theatre or a coffee shop.
Synopsis:
A playwright is trying to get his (or her) play produced.
ASSHOLE1: We really like your shit
ASSHOLE2: Yea, your shit. We really like it.
PLAYWRIGHT: What I do is not shit. It’s—
ASSHOLE1: Shit, don’t come down on me, man. We’re just looking for a short play...
ASSHOLE2: Yea. A short play. We’re looking—
PLAYWRIGHT: I don’t suppose you have, ur… um… ah…
ASSHOLE2: Er? Um? What?
ASSHOLE1: Come on, give the playwright time to get his ass in gear (aside) asshole.
ASSHOLE2: You said ass. (aside) asshole.
PLAYWRIGHT: Money.
ASSOLE1: Money?
ASSHOLE2: Money? What do you think we are?
ASSHOLE 1 and ASSHOLE 2: Assholes!?
PLAYWRIGHT: Oh. So you have money to produ –
ASSHOLE1: Oh. For the play?
ASSHOLE2: The play? Oh, for—
PLAYWRIGHT: Well, what else would you use the money for?
ASSHOLE1: Beer.
ASSHOLE2: Beer. Beer and …uh…. er… um…
PLAYWRIGHT: Er? Um? What?
ASSHOLE2: Yeah what?
ASSHOLE1: Like you don’t know.
PLAYWRIGHT: I might.
ASSHOLE2: He might.
ASSHOLE1: Well… you don’t have to be such an –
ASSHOLE2: Asshole!
ASSHOLE1: about it.
PLAYWRIGHT: No, well. I, um, er, uh.
ASSHOLE: I! Er! Um! WHAT!
PLAYWRIGHT: Well, I wondered what else you (aside) assholes (aloud) spend money on.
ASSHOLE1: Oh, that.
ASSHOLE2: Oh that!
ASSHOLE1: Hahahahahah
ASSHOLE2: Hahahahaha
PLAYWRIGHT: Um…
ASSHOLE1: Well.
ASSHOLE2: Tell him.
ASSHOLE1: I will.
ASSHOLE2: Tell him.
ASSHOLE1: I will.
ASSHOLE2: Tell him.
ASSHOLE1: I WILL!
ASSHOLE2: Well, you don’t have to be such an –
PLAYWRIGHT: Asshole!
ASSHOLE2: …about it.
ASSHOLE1: Hey. Are you calling me an—
ASSHOLE2: Asshole! Are you calling him an asshole!?
PLAYWRIGHT: No. I’m finishing your sentence it’s a—
ASSHOLE2: theatrical convention? Hahahaha.
ASSHOLE1: Yeah. Whadda you think we are? Assholes?
PLAYWRIGHT: So there’s no development mo—
ASSHOLE1: Yes there’s development money!
ASSHOLE2: Yes. There is. Money.
PLAYWRIGHT: Oh.
ASSHOLE1: For marketing.
ASSHOLE2: Marketing. Marketing and –
ASSHOLE1: Lighting.
ASSHOLE2: Lighting. Lighting and –
ASSHOLE1: Stage managers.
ASSHOLE2: Assholes but you’ve got to have them.
ASSHOLE1: Yes, you’ve got to have an asshole.
ASSHOLE2: Managing the stage.
ASSHOLE1: That too.
PLAYWRIGHT: So you have money for—?
ASSHOLE1: Actors.
ASSHOLE2: Talk about assholes.
ASSHOLE1: Yeah. Assholes. Actors.
PLAYWRIGHT: So, what’s the percentage?
ASSHOLE1: Percentage?
ASSHOLE2: Percentage? Percentage of—
ASSHOLE1: What?
PLAYWRIGHT: The royalty. For the playwright?
ASSHOLE1 and ASSHOLE2:
Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah. Oh. Ahahahahahahahaha.
ASSHOLE1: That was good!
ASSHOLE2: Yeah. That was good.
PLAYWRIGHT: There’s no money for—?
ASSHOLE1: What? Playwrights?
ASSHOLE2: Playwrights? What?
PLAYWRIGHT: (aside) Assholes.
ASSHOLE1: (aside) Asshole.
ASSHOLE2: (aside) Assholes.
ASSHOLE1: So!
ASSHOLE2: So?
PLAYWRIGHT: So, what?
ASSHOLE1: Will you do it?
ASSHOLE2: Yeah, will you do it?
PLAYWRIGHT: Of course! I get my name in the program, don’t I?
ASSHOLE1 and ASSHOLE2: Don’t push it, asshole!
End
Command Performance
AT RISE
A theatre sits lonely and possibly a little dusty. There is covered furniture upstage (three or more chairs) and a table downstage and, perhaps, a ghost light. THE MAN enters, perhaps from a side door. He carries a briefcase and readies the stage for what can only be a staged reading. He is remarkable only in how normal he looks and acts. Dressed casually but tidily, his clothes and briefcase are tasteful but not ostentatious. He is cheery as he goes about his task and talks to himself.
THE MAN
So much to do. Even for a staged reading as small as this. Oh, but a very important audience to be sure. Very important people. Command performance.
THE MAN disappears off stage and the lights come up. Nothing special. Just a house plot. He readies some props and, almost accidentally, uncovers two of the chairs to reveal BAD ACTOR and BAD ACTRESS. They are not eager to be at the staged reading as evidenced by the rope and gags. They are bound to their chairs.
THE MAN
Oh you’re already here. So good of you to come. It was absolutely hell booking the theatre. Getting the exact date and time. The set-up. Everything had to be perfect don’t you know. Perfect.
Well the show’s about to begin, Ladies and Gentlemen. So take your seats… You do like your seats? Not too close to the action? No. I don’t think so. I think it’s perfect. You will no doubt have an excellent view of the proceedings.
He opens a briefcase rather dramatically and pulls out…programs and scripts, which he places before the BAD ACTORS on the music stands we thought were reserved for the staged reading. There is something else in the briefcase…
You like that? Nice script, eh? Wouldn’t you like to get your hands on it? To sink your teeth into the role? Oh but look closely. If you do, you’ll both see your unworthy handprints all over these scripts. Yes. Not easy to get after all this time but then again they were never yours to begin with, were they? No. See? No notes. Just handprints. The process, as you’ll soon see, is so very important for the good actor. Don’t you agree? Well, no, you wouldn’t, would you?
As if on cue, there is a knock at the door – the same one through which THE MAN entered at the beginning. THE MAN checks his watch.
THE MAN
Not just right on time. Early by ten minutes. That is what I call professional. Don’t you think? I do. Always professional of actors to be a little early in case there are any last minute details. Oh, don’t get up. I’ll get the door.
He opens the door and now there enter the GOOD ACTOR and GOOD ACTRESS. They are dressed as casually and tidily as THE MAN. They hold scripts that look like they’ve been gone over thoroughly; wrinkled, turned up, highlighted, notated. THE MAN pulls them aside.
GOOD ACTOR
Hi.
GOOD ACTRESS
Hi.
THE MAN
You’re here! Thank you so much for coming. Especially under the (he whispers, acknowledging the bound couple upstage) odd circumstances.
Everyone speaks in hushed, reverential tones in honor of the sexual deviants they are serving.
GOOD ACTRESS
No problem.
GOOD ACTOR
Yeah, we didn’t have much time…
THE MAN
No, it’s supposed to be informal.
GOOD ACTRESS
This is their thing?
THE MAN
Oh yes. They want to be right on stage with you. Keep your backs to them, as if they were sneaking in on your performance.
GOOD ACTOR
Wow…
THE MAN
Yes, they have an odd proclivity but pay well.
GOOD ACTOR
Yeah, thanks for the money in advance. Are you sure?
THE MAN
Oh, yes. That’s part of it. Paying dearly…
GOOD ACTRESS
Yeas. Thanks, it’s…
THE MAN
Don’t mention it. Ever. That’s also part of the deal, remember.
Everyone smiles and nods. The GOOD ACTORS take their places down stage of the bound couple and read from their scripts but perform excellently.
THE MAN
And now! Direct from New York, two actual actors. Good actors. Actors who can do what you only dream of in your pitiful fantasies (he winks at the GOOD ACTORS), as you are nothing but pitiful, puking pustules on the cankered ass of actors who are only one percent of the actors these people are! These people, whose names you are not even worthy of knowing, will now perform only one scene from the play you so malishiously maligned in your pitiful attempt to, as you call it, “enact” the roles! Behold, you worthless, sniveling, horrible little…. bad… actors. The scene as it should be done.
With a nod from the man, the GOOD ACTORS look at each other, engage emotionally, and begin the scene.
GOOD ACTOR
How can you—?
GOOD ACTRESS
You have to ask?
GOOD ACTOR
Of course I have to ask. You—
GOOD ACTRESS
Me? We’re talking about you and your—
GOOD ACTOR
My What? You have no proof—
GOOD ACTRESS
Proof? Who needs proof, when I can see it in your eyes! I can see it in your body language, Robert. How do you think I feel when you hold me in your arms and she’s in your thoughts? When you make love to her while it’s my body you hold?
GOOD ACTOR
You knew? All along?
GOOD ACTRESS
Of course, Robert!
GOOD ACTOR
But how, Melanie? I never—
GOOD ACTRESS
Never what? Wanted to betray me? Never wanted me to find out? What? Tell me!
GOOD ACTOR
I never wanted it to go this far. I just—
GOOD ACTRESS
Wanted a one time shot?
GOOD ACTOR
Please, Melanie, let me talk! I never wanted it to happen in the first place! It was after the…
GOOD ACTRESS
Oh. You knew?
GOOD ACTOR
How could I not? He was so nice, so polite. You were both so considerate to each other and to me. It was plainly obvious that you’d—
GOOD ACTRESS
Oh, Robert. How did you—
GOOD ACTOR
How did you know, Melanie? We’re connected. We’re—
GOOD ACTRESS
A mess.
GOOD ACTOR
Yeah.
BOTH
I did it to punish you!
GOOD ACTRESS
I thought—
GOOD ACTOR
So did I—
BOTH
Oh, God!
GOOD ACTOR
Now what?
GOOD ACTRESS
I don’t know. I… I… But I need you—
GOOD ACTOR
To bounce things off of. Me too.
GOOD ACTRESS
Who else can I—
GOOD ACTOR
Tell things to. And now we have no secrets. Can we—?
GOOD ACTRESS
I don’t know. I hope—
GOOD ACTOR
Me too.
They embrace. There is silence.
THE MAN
Oh. Excellent. I wish I could tell you how much your performance meant to me but there’s still so much to do.
GOOD ACTRESS
There’s more?
THE MAN
You have no idea.
GOOD ACTOR
All right. We’ll be off then. Good night.
GOOD ACTRESS
Yeah. Thanks again.
They exit. THE MAN turns to the BAD ACTORS and retrieves a handgun from the briefcase. He then un-gags the actors.
BAD ACTRESS
Is that how—?
BAD ACTOR
I had no idea...
THE MAN
Of course you had no idea! You are idiots. Whoever told you you could act should be—
BAD ACTOR
But it wasn’t all our fault!
BAD ACTRESS
The director—
THE MAN
Don’t say that! Don’t call him that! He doesn’t deserve to be called that!
He uncovers the person in the third chair as he speaks. The BAD ACTORS gasp.
BAD ACTOR & BAD ACTRESS
Mr. Lawn!
THE MAN
Oh yes. You don’t think I would break up that great team that RUINED my play two years ago in this very theatre? On this very night!? No. Mr. Lawn isn’t worthy to see acting like you just experienced but he will get to see what could be your final performance. Unless, by chance, you’re good.
BAD ACTRESS
What?
BAD ACTOR
I don’t get it.
THE MAN
No, I don’t think you do. You will both have one chance to redeem yourselves. You have seen how real actors do it. Now you will please act the scene. Do it well – even three percent as well as you have seen – and you live. Do what you did to this play in this hall on this night to years ago and you all die.
BAD ACTRESS
Mr. Lawn too?
BAD ACTOR
But what did he do?
THE MAN
He cast you! And if you don’t act as well as you can. Better than you ever have in your miserable lives. Then he will have the pleasure of seeing you die on stage. Again.
He unties the BAD ACTORS who begin the scene.
They leave nice pauses for each other. They saw the air. They say only the lines and then as if they “acted” them. It is a mercy killing when THE MAN has had enough.
BAD ACTOR
How can you—?
BAD ACTRESS
You have to ask?
BAD ACTOR
Of course I have to ask. You—
BAD ACTRESS
Me? We’re talking about you and your—
BAD ACTOR
My What? You have no proof—
BAD ACTRESS
Proof? Who needs proof, when I can see it in your eyes! I can see it in your body language, Robert. How do you think I feel when you hold me in your arms and she’s in your thoughts? When you make love to her while it’s my body you hold?
BAD ACTOR
You knew? All along?
BAD ACTRESS
Of course, Robert!
BAD ACTOR
But how, Melanie? I never—
BAD ACTRESS
Never what? Wanted to betray me? Never wanted me to find out? What? Tell me!
BAD ACTOR
I never wanted it to go this far. I just—
BAD ACTRESS
Wanted a one time shot?
BAD ACTOR
Please, Melanie, let me talk! I never wanted it to happen in the first place! It was after the…
BAD ACTRESS
Oh. You knew?
BAD ACTOR
How could I not? He was so nice, so polite. You were both so considerate to each other and to me. It was plainly obvious that you’d—
BAD ACTRESS
Oh, Robert. How did you—
BAD ACTOR
How did you know, Melanie? We’re connected. We’re—
BAD ACTRESS
A mess.
BAD ACTOR
Yeah.
BOTH
I did it to punish you!
BAD ACTRESS
I thought—
BAD ACTOR
So did I—
BOTH
Oh, God!
BAD ACTOR
Now what?
BAD ACTRESS
I don’t know. I… I… But I need you—
BAD ACTOR
To bounce things off of. Me too.
BAD ACTRESS
Who else can I—
BAD ACTOR
Tell things to. And now we have no secrets. Can we—?
BAD ACTRESS
I don’t know. I hope—
BAD ACTOR
Me too.
They embrace as the lights fade. A very loud, very real gunshot is heard. Enough to make the audience scream. Again.
NOTE: If done properly (properly badly), the second scene should take too long. It would be funny for the BAD ACTORS to die on “I did it to punish you” but, after a good run through, everyone should know on what line the lights should fade and the gunshot puts the audience out of their misery.
END
Thank you for attending the First Annual (Online) Play Festival. There are mugs and T-Shirts in the lobby.
