OK. Pay attention because this information could just save your life. Drivers first:
To the guy who drives in the passing lane - as I said it's the passing lane. People are supposed to pass slower cars from the left. Using the passing lane. But if you're in the passing lane, trying to scrape together all the cool you had in the 80s, which wasn't that much, in your black minivan - yes, black is supposed to be cool but not in a minivan. Yes you. If you cruise with your CD of Hall and Oats blaring just one lane over, I can pass douche bags like you. Of course at least the douche bags like you are in the proper lane. What makes them douche bags is this...
To the douche bag who speeds up as I'm trying to pass - what are you trying to prove? That your Honda CRX can beat me? Wow. I'll bet the woman in the car with you couldn't care less. Women are impressed by how much faster than the guy trying to pass you (who has been trying to get the douche bag in the black minivan out of the fast lane for the last five minutes) exactly not at all! Quit being a douche bag and let a brother pass. If you really wanted to go fast you'd already be doing it. And here's a little note: she wasn't impressed with the CRX either; and she wouldn't have been in the late 80s either.
Now to the idiot who drives in the ingress/egress lane - follow the links to the definitions or take it from me: ingress means entering, in our case the freeway. Where people go an average of 65 miles per hour. OK now for the other one. Now it begins with the same letter so don't get confused: egress means exit. As in the freeway. People are coming and going here. Coming and going. Not cruising, listening to Billy Joel and letting the fog from the last bong clear. Lots of activity, get the holy shit out of this lane unless you're involved in ingress (remember? entering the godammned freeway) and egress (remember? leaving the godammned freeway).
This is a special one for people who change lanes. Because the passing lane is on the left and the ingress/egress (exiting or getting-off-the-freeway) lane is on the right; you can assume that people going right are slowing down and those going left are speeding up. If you do the opposite of this it might be why people are honking, waving and calling in to question the relationship (cousins?) of your parents before they had you. People. Go faster when you change lanes to the left and (wait for it) slower when you change lanes to the right. Everyone the fuck else is doing this, why aren't you?
Talking on the phone, driving - and gesturing with your free hand - not advisable. Especially if there's a Big Gulp or a cigarette there. But really.
OK, now for pedestrians... Now, I know that not everyone does this, but when someone does yield the right of way to you (which is morally, legally and socially the correct thing to do) don't wave them on. They have already slowed down for you, just cross the mutherfucking street!
If you have started out and then see me slowing down (the key words in this scentence are slowing and down), then keep on truckin'. If you stop, I can't go; this is called "you're an idiot". Do not buy a car and try not to go out withour your plastic helmet. Just keep going! I've already slowed way-the-hell-down. You'll live. Go! Just go!
Parking lot people. Yes, it's called a parking lot and people come from and go to cars there. This does not make you indestructible. Walk along the side of the aisle. You and I can both fit and, if you're on the side, you won't be hit by a car. Just thought that one up on my onsies.
OH! Back to drivers! You thought you were off the hook? Not of you turn right from really far to the left you're not. Look, the line is there and a fucking Mack truck can fit within it. You can turn a much bigger car than yours from within this line. Do you want to know how I know? I drove a minivan for ten years. That sumbitch will turn on a dime. So will a Ford f-150 and just about anything smaller than a 10-wheeler. Does your car have fewer than ten wheels? No? Then turn right within the lane.
Special note for people turning right when there's not a line: same rules apply. You can make it. When you swing wide people who are trying to go around you want to kill you. This is always the case. They don't kill you but imagine the Karma points wracking up on your incapable-of-turning-right-in-one-lane soul... One day someone is going snap and you're the one they're going to go mad-dog on. Turn as close to the curb as you can. The life you save might just be your own.
And speaking of cars going close to the curb - and thit is back to the pedestrians again - why are you standing with your toes over the curb? Are you more important than a 2,000-pount car? Are you really? And what about your friend who's in the street before the light changes? When he gets hit, his brains are going to splash all over that rainbow sweater you stole off your grandmother.
Now, when you're with an asshole who j-walks, making me stop; I'm actually stopping for you too. So stopping and looking all apoligetic is going to get you less than nowhere with me. In my mind, the asshole is the smarter one in the equation. At least he knows the law: drivers must yield to pedestrians even when they break the law and, I would like to add, even when they are douchebags. So don't wait and let me pass. As I said: I've already stopped, you lame-ass idiot with a lame-ass boyfriend/husband/baby daddy! The only acceptable behavior from you besides taking off after the asshole who, I must repeat, already stopped traffic, is getting into my car and asking me to take you to a divorce lawyer STAT.
Thank you.
