Bad Shit by Kevin Six
Characters:
ASSHOLE1 He (or she) is this asshole who wants free shit
ASSHOLE2 So’s she (or he)
PLAYWRIGHT He (or she) is an asshole who wants money
The cast may be any age, gender or ethnicity.
Setting:
An empty theatre or a coffee shop.
Synopsis:
A playwright is trying to get his (or her) play produced.
AT RISE
ASSHOLE1: We really like your shit
ASSHOLE2: Yea, your shit. We really like it.
PLAYWRIGHT: What I do is not shit. It’s—
ASSHOLE1: Shit, don’t come down on me, man. We’re just looking for a short play...
ASSHOLE2: Yea. A short play. We’re looking—
PLAYWRIGHT: I don’t suppose you have, ur… um… ah…
ASSHOLE2: Er? Um? What?
ASSHOLE1: Come on, give the playwright time to get his ass in gear (aside) asshole.
ASSHOLE2: You said ass. (aside) asshole.
PLAYWRIGHT: Money.
ASSOLE1: Money?
ASSHOLE2: Money? What do you think we are?
ASSHOLE 1 and ASSHOLE 2: Assholes!?
PLAYWRIGHT: Oh. So you have money to produ –
ASSHOLE1: Oh. For the play?
ASSHOLE2: The play? Oh, for—
PLAYWRIGHT: Well, what else would you use the money for?
ASSHOLE1: Beer.
ASSHOLE2: Beer. Beer and …uh…. er… um…
PLAYWRIGHT: Er? Um? What?
ASSHOLE2: Yeah what?
ASSHOLE1: Like you don’t know.
PLAYWRIGHT: I might.
ASSHOLE2: He might.
ASSHOLE1: Well… you don’t have to be such an –
ASSHOLE2: Asshole!
ASSHOLE1: about it.
PLAYWRIGHT: No, well. I, um, er, uh.
ASSHOLE: I! Er! Um! WHAT!
PLAYWRIGHT: Well, I wondered what else you (aside) assholes (aloud) spend money on.
ASSHOLE1: Oh, that.
ASSHOLE2: Oh that!
ASSHOLE1: Hahahahahah
ASSHOLE2: Hahahahaha
PLAYWRIGHT: Um…
ASSHOLE1: Well.
ASSHOLE2: Tell him.
ASSHOLE1: I will.
ASSHOLE2: Tell him.
ASSHOLE1: I will.
ASSHOLE2: Tell him.
ASSHOLE1: I WILL!
ASSHOLE2: Well, you don’t have to be such an –
PLAYWRIGHT: Asshole!
ASSHOLE2: …about it.
ASSHOLE1: Hey. Are you calling me an—
ASSHOLE2: Asshole! Are you calling him an asshole!?
PLAYWRIGHT: No. I’m finishing your sentence it’s a—
ASSHOLE2: theatrical convention? Hahahaha.
ASSHOLE1: Yeah. Whadda you think we are? Assholes?
PLAYWRIGHT: So there’s no development mo—
ASSHOLE1: Yes there’s development money!
ASSHOLE2: Yes. There is. Money.
PLAYWRIGHT: Oh.
ASSHOLE1: For marketing.
ASSHOLE2: Marketing. Marketing and –
ASSHOLE1: Lighting.
ASSHOLE2: Lighting. Lighting and –
ASSHOLE1: Stage managers.
ASSHOLE2: Assholes but you’ve got to have them.
ASSHOLE1: Yes, you’ve got to have an asshole.
ASSHOLE2: Managing the stage.
ASSHOLE1: That too.
PLAYWRIGHT: So you have money for—?
ASSHOLE1: Actors.
ASSHOLE2: Talk about assholes.
ASSHOLE1: Yeah. Assholes. Actors.
PLAYWRIGHT: So, what’s the percentage?
ASSHOLE1: Percentage?
ASSHOLE2: Percentage? Percentage of—
ASSHOLE1: What?
PLAYWRIGHT: The royalty. For the playwright?
ASSHOLE1 and ASSHOLE2:
Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah. Oh. Ahahahahahahahaha.
ASSHOLE1: That was good!
ASSHOLE2: Yeah. That was good.
PLAYWRIGHT: There’s no money for—?
ASSHOLE1: What? Playwrights?
ASSHOLE2: Playwrights? What?
PLAYWRIGHT: (aside) Assholes.
ASSHOLE1: (aside) Asshole.
ASSHOLE2: (aside) Assholes.
ASSHOLE1: So!
ASSHOLE2: So?
PLAYWRIGHT: So, what?
ASSHOLE1: Will you do it?
ASSHOLE2: Yeah, will you do it?
PLAYWRIGHT: Of course! I get my name in the program, don’t I?
ASSHOLE1 and ASSHOLE2: Don’t push it, asshole!
CURTAIN
